Same-sex snogs, tattoos on fooffoos and no charm whatsoever: The Valleys is the most vile TV show ever
14:18 GMT, 17 October 2012
I've been to Cardiff once.
The first fight I saw was on the train as I
was about to disembark. It was November and neither combatee was
wearing a shirt.
The second was on the platform as I stepped off. I saw
five more that night. Two of the scraps involved girls. I thought that
this visit may have been an unrepresentative experience of south Wales.
Judging by The Valleys, MTV's new reality show set in Cardiff, I think I had a lucky escape.
'It's quite easily the worst, most unintelligent TV show I have ever seen' – The Valleys follows the lives of a group of young Welsh men and women
If a government was to judge south Wales by the shenanigans of the nine young 'stars' of this show, it'd probably be sorely tempted to erect a 50 feet barbed wire fence around the region, chuck
in the occasional box of burgers and crate of alcopops and let them get on with it. Even by the lamentably low standards of reality shows, these people are vile.
I'm not even too sure of the point of The Valleys. Some of the, er, contestants, want to be models while others seem to want to be musicians. Mouthy Lateysha (surely a proper Welsh mother would have called her Llateysha) likens herself to Beyonce and wants to be a model. She's as close to looking like Beyonce as I am to singing like Elvis Presley and has much chance of being a model as I have of fathering a dolphin.
Party hard: The show features several scenes of drunken antics
'Shockingly, unbelievably awful' The show has been savaged by critics
Dreams: Lateysha Grace (R) dreams of being a model and a singing superstar like Beyonce
And given her expletive-ridden, twenty-to-the-dozen speech pattern, she clearly regards Little Britain's Vicky Pollard as something of an admirable role model rather than a parody. She's so
dumb she probably thinks 1 + 1 = 11.
Her pal and occasional same-sex snogee, the doughy-faced Nicole, is no charmer either. Random quote on a night out: 'I stuck an icecube up her a**hole.' (N)ice.
Leeroy, meanwhile wants to be a rapper, and the first urban star of Wales (has he not heard of Newport's Goldie Lookin' Chain and their wonderful single, Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do).
Given the woeful standard of his raps, Leeroy has more chance of captaining the USS Starship Enterprise in 3845 than he has of making a career in music.
Tears and tantrums: Arguments happen on a frequent basis on the show
Last week, the girls went to have tattoos of sheep on their fooffoos (clearly the downmarket Welsh version of TOWIE”s vajazzle), while the boys had their chests waxed. One of the boys, Aron, wears shirts with such huge necklines it looks as though he borrows his clothes from a buffalo.
The girls went for a night out in Caerphilly and tried to pull some local talent.
Under fire: Local MPs have blasted the show
The boys attempted a similar strategy in Cardiff. The boys were doing well until the moron's moron, the barely intelligible Chidgey (a man who thinks that the alphabet begins and ends at the letter 'F') sprayed vodka into a girl's eye. Cary Grant eat your heart out. He went back to the gang's house where his ex, Natalee (why can't they spell names correctly in south Wales), a woman with more colours in her hair (two) than brain cells in her head, swiftly went to bed with the foul-mouthed builder.
Natalee and her friends had managed to drag some Caerphilly beefcake (that word is used so loosely it may as well mean beefburger) back to their house but soon lost interest when one of the chaps used a word with more than one syllable. Smoke started to come from Lateysha's ears and the boys were thrown out for being a fire hazard. Thereafter, Lateshya started to miss Mrs Pollard – I mean her mum – and went home.
Risque: Nicole Morris gives Aron Williams a massage
This week was more of the same. Lateshya (I giggle every time I type out that name), returned to the house and swiftly got jiggy with Nicole again (I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. Oh, yes, I do –
the poor viewer), while Natalee and Chidgey had another huge row, this time about the capital of Argentina (Natalee suggested 'A', while Chidgey, unsurprisingly, went for 'F'.)
The Valleys is shockingly, unbelievably awful but it has made mathematical history – it has uncovered a new lowest common denominator. It's quite easily the worst, most unintelligent TV show I have ever seen. It has actually made a virtue of stupidity. There, use that on your DVD cover. And you know what I bet they do.'