Shallots, rye bread, Illy coffee and Belvedere vodka: What a jolly middle class shopping basket you have, says hilarious blog now turned into book
18:29 GMT, 20 November 2012
Decisions, decisions: Choices you make in the supermarket aisle determine your social standing, says hilarious blog
If you’ve ever felt the harsh glare of judgement at the supermarket checkout when your shopping basket consists of a six-pack of baked beans and a bottle of cheap Bulgarian wine, help is at hand.
The hilarious Middle Class Handbook blog has named the five items it claims guarantee social respectability at the aisle.
They are: shallots, Illy coffee tins, rye bread, San Pellegrino water and Belvedere vodka.
The comedy blog says previous benchmarks of good taste – Tropicana orange juice and Olivio spread – are no longer enough to cement what it terms 'in-aisle reputation'.
The popular guide recommends buying shallots over onions because they send a clear message: 'Out of my way, I'm about to make an over-complicated risotto.
'Avoid them (onions). Let the fiddly, hard to chop, time-consuming shallot be your Allium species of choice. Its powerful trolley presence cannot be underestimated.'
Posh nosh: Illy coffee, left, and glass bottles of San Pellegrino water, right, are so splendid they will 'add instant sparkle to your basket'
When it comes to buying ground coffee, shoppers have long been hampered by too much choice.
The Middle Class Handbook says plump for Illy and its distinctive silver tins: 'Not only does the glint of silver add instant sparkle to your basket, it also sends a strong hint that you may well be the owner of a Barista-level Italian espresso machine at home. Win win.
'The packaging itself is also an instant makeover for the kitchen itself – never put theses away in the cupboard. Go green (Decaf) and red (Fine Grind) for maximum aesthetic effect.'
Another killer item often marked for its middle class credentials is rye bread. The guide – recently turned into a book, The Art Of Being Middle Class – says an expensive loaf of rye bread is a must.
The benchmarks of middleclassdom: Shallots, left, and rye bread, right, will cement your position in the social heirarchy of the supermarket aisle
It explains: 'The pre-eminence of the pappy pre-sliced factory made supermarket bread is enough to make anyone's stomach churn – who'd want to be spotted in the queue packing Hovis Best Of Both
'There's only one name in the bakery section that never fails to deliver: rye. Its dark colour stands out in any basket, its mysterious properties add a touch of the exotic and its dreadful taste shows your commitment to lower cholesterol levels and reduced bloating.'
In the drinks aisle the blog says San Pellegrino and Belvedere are the brands to reach for.
Liquid class: Belvedere vodka is the best spirit to put in your middle class trolley, while Tropicana is no longer a staple of those who prefer life's finer things
On Belvedere vodka it says: 'The drinks aisle is a high-risk section – whatever you choose can dominate the rest of your trolley, obscuring a lot of the good selections you've made up to that point.
Five middle class must-haves
San Pellegrino sparkling waterIlly coffee tinsBelvedere vodkaRye breadShallots
'You're only ever an own brand spirit away from disaster. Ignore the transient price offers and multi-deals, you're a discerning sipper not a student, and play it safe and strong with the slender, frost-coated bottle of Belvedere vodka.
'Of course you can't taste the difference in a slim-line vodka tonic, but you can in your local Sainsbury's Local.'
The guide goes on to say San Pellegrino brand is 'middle class gold', and that 'anyone prepared to spend over a pound on a single can must have discernment in buckets.
'And where else do you get a strange silver foil hygiene protector over the lid. Wonderful. And reassuring.'
The blog: The Middle Class Handbook blog has now been made into a book, The Art Of Being Middle Class
The rules: The blog explains which items in your shopping basket will improve your social standing, and which are now passe