ROWAN PELLING"S SEX ADVICE: My husband has been viewing escort websites

My husband has been viewing escort websites

I went on the laptop I share with my husband and happened to look on its history, where I found links to local escort agencies. I felt sick and devastated. I confronted him and he denied he’d ever acted upon this search, saying he was just bored and messing around. Now I feel I can’t trust him. What should I do

There’s not a woman I know whose stomach wouldn’t churn if she stumbled across such sites in her husband’s web history. Although
some women claim they would find it easier if they learned their
partner was having impersonal paid-for sex, rather than an emotionally
entangled love affair, I feel the opposite.

I think it would be more worrying to
discover that someone you believe cherishes romance, intimacy and
commitment would seek mechanical, no-strings sex.

When one woman confronted her husband about using an online escort service, he denied I confronted him and he denied hed ever acted upon this search, saying he was just bored and messing around

When one woman confronted her husband about using an online escort service, he denied he’d ever acted upon this search, saying he was just bored and messing around

So I understand your shock. Even the admission from your partner that he browsed the sites out of boredom (another way of saying he was curious) is disconcerting.

What I would say, however, is that a man who habitually lies to his wife and uses prostitutes would be unlikely to leave evidence on a computer he shares with his spouse.

Practised liars hide their tracks well. Note I say ‘unlikely’, because it is by no means unprecedented. But sometimes reckless people get careless and want to be found out. If this were the case, you would be finding other evidence.

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Does your husband guard his mobile Does he run up unexpected bills Have there been absences Has his sexual behaviour towards you changed in any way Has he become more distant If the answer to some or all of these questions is yes, then I would quiz him again.

Any form of behaviour that involves lying needs to be challenged and stopped before the whole relationship falls apart.

One woman I know discovered that her church-going husband of 15 years had been using prostitutes throughout their marriage when she borrowed his phone and opened his text in-box. There were thousands of intimate messages from a series of escorts.

Having said that, there’s been no alteration in your husband’s behaviour and this seems wildly out of character, so I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. The truth is that most people do look up random websites when they’re bored and men often veer towards less salubrious material.

A male friend frequented a website that is aimed at people who get a frisson from dressing up as furry animals, but he viewed that material because it made him laugh like a drain, not because he wanted to dress as a bear. And let’s not forget that almost anyone can innocently stumble across X-rated material.

The big issues here are intimacy and trust. You need to explain this to your spouse and use it as an opportunity for some spring-cleaning in your marriage.

Remember that, played wisely, these heart-stopping moments can sometimes lead to greater trust and openness in a relationship.