ROWAN PELLING"S SEX ADVICE COLUMN: My best friend hates my man

My best friend hates my man

|

UPDATED:

08:25 GMT, 24 September 2012

QUESTION:

My best friend and I have been as close as sisters since we met aged
five and I was ‘best woman’ at her wedding.

My friend has always longed
for me to find equal happiness, and now, aged 40, I’ve finally found Mr
Right. But when they met she wasn’t warm and since then she’s dodged out
of seeing us together and won’t tell me why.

A mutual friend says she
described my partner as a ‘flirt’. What should I do

Inconsistent: My best friends always supported my search for a partner but now I have one, she disapproves, says the writer

Inconsistent: My best friends always supported my search for a partner but now I have one, she disapproves, says the writer

ANSWER:

More from Rowan Pelling…

One Ten Fifty How many past lovers does a nice girl own up to
16/09/12

ROWAN PELLING'S SEX ADVICE COLUMN: Should I sleep with a toyboy
09/09/12

ROWAN PELLING'S SEX ADVICE COLUMN: I hate sex with my husband
02/09/12

Rowan Pelling's sex advice column: I craved sexy afternoons in bed. He wanted to go sight-seeing
27/08/12

Why dithering will be the death of me: She's failed to do her tax returns for four years and still hasn't collected a necklace she took to be repaired in 2003. Can anyone help Britain's worst procastinator
26/08/12

ROWAN PELLING'S SEX ADVICE: 'I kissed another man at a party. Should I own up'
19/08/12

ROWAN PELLING SEX ADVICE: We desire other people – but not each other
12/08/12

ROWAN PELLING SEX ADVICE: He's intimidated by my passion in bed
05/08/12

VIEW FULL ARCHIVE

Perhaps she has simply become over-protective of you (best friends can
be a bit like mothers that way). Then there’s the report your best
friend has called your partner ‘a flirt’.

It’s best not to rely too much on third-party gossip in such matters,
but let’s suppose this story’s true. Is flirting a crime It can be if
you’re hitting on all your girlfriend’s mates, but equally it can be a
harmless personality trait that merely means you spread a bit of glad
eye around the human race.

Yet if your friend’s husband never flirts, she may misinterpret and
mistrust people who do. But that kind of vivacity is not necessarily
incompatible with steadiness.

The only thing that matters here is that you’re secure in your
boyfriend’s affections and have no true cause to worry about banter with
other women. Perhaps all you need to do is say: ‘Look, I know he seems a
bit flighty, but he affirms me in all the ways that matter and I trust
him.’

You may also need to stand back and take a good look at your friend’s
life. Perhaps the real problem here isn’t your partner or your
relationships, but your friend’s own situation. Often when someone
criticises you for your choices, they’re really saying they’re unhappy
with their own.

Idle chatter A mutual friend she my best friend called my Mr Right was a flirt

Idle chatter A mutual friend she my best friend called my Mr Right was a flirt (picture posed by models)

You must be gleaming the golden hormonal glow of a woman in love and I
wonder if that throws some deficiency in your friend’s marriage into
relief. When she calls your man a flirt, she may really be saying: ‘My
husband lacks passion.’

Forty is a common age for people to feel their marriage lacks spark, or
that they’re weighted down by childcare. Almost anything is preferable
under those circumstances — including carping about your man — rather
than admitting to jealousy.

One way or another you need to clear the air before a rift opens up. You
need to know if she has serious proof that your partner’s unworthy of
you (a propensity for flirting doesn’t cut the mustard).

If not, remind her how you’ve supported her choices for many years and
how much you need her to do the same. Don’t be too fierce, but if your
friend can’t be glad for your happiness, I’d suggest she’s unworthy of
the golden badge of honour that announces your ‘best friend’.