Relationship advice from a divorced single mother The three-time bride who is helping desperate women find their Mr Right
23:19 GMT, 29 May 2012
Usually we take advice from people who are experts in their field; the best at what they do.
But when it comes to finding a husband, desperate singles are looking to three-time divorcee and single mother, Tracy McMillan, as an authority on why some women, despite their efforts, have not yet walked down the aisle.
After penning the Huffington Post's most read blog post ever, Why You're Not Married, the television and film writer has released a new book of a similar title aimed at helping wannabe brides find their way to the altar.
Expert Tracy McMillan, the author of Why You're Not Married Yet has been married herself three times and has a son
Ms McMillan who has been married three times and has a fourteen year old son believes that she can help women thanks to the lessons she has learned from making big mistakes herself.
She told MSNBC's Kathie Lee and Hoda: 'I'm just your best friend who's been through all kinds of stuff in relationships and I'm here to kind of tell you the real truth.'
And according to her, the truth is that finding the guy who wants to marry you is as much about changing your own attitude as it is in choosing the right man.
The writer, who brings her own experience as the child of a prostitute and criminal and a life in foster homes to the table in the enlightened way she approaches life, says that the number one reason women want to get married, but aren't, is that they are lying to themselves.
She explained: 'A lot of times, it's because there's a guy, he's cute, you like him but he says, “you know what I'm really not ready to be in a relationship”. And you say to yourself, “well I'll treat this like a temp job so if I really wow on the job maybe he'll hire me full time.”'
Though Ms McMillan is the first to admit that she is no expert at staying married, her 'main superpower' she explains in her book, is getting men to marry her.
'I think my success in this area is more about my readiness to move toward, and choose, men who are willing to make commitments,' she writes. 'As well as – and this is super important, and often more difficult – the willingness to let go of the men who aren't.'
Advice: Ms McMillan wants others to benefit from the lessons she has learned
Dismissing the idea that men change their ideas about long term commitment, Ms McMillan believes when men want to get married, they know.
A relationship, she says, should be about personal responsibility and women should be treating love and the search for it as a 'spiritual assignment' rather than a list of qualities to check off.
This means that women need to look inward and ask themselves big questions such as, do I come across as a b*** Am I being superficial
'You really have to be soft and vulnerable to form a relationship,' she explained to the morning show hosts, referring to some women whose anger and bitterness from past disappointments can translate as defensive and aggressive – qualities that ultimately are not attractive.
In the book's introduction she boils it down saying: 'It's as simple as this: If you’re not married and you want to be, you need to express more love. Not get more love. Express it. Feel it. Be it. See it everywhere.'
Equally, being shallow about physical appearance is trait that may get in the way of finding the one.
'Ultimately, after the big muscles are gone, and the money goes away, it's really about character,' she told her interviewers. 'Shift your eyes into looking at the spiritual aspect of a person. You start to see the part that's going to last you for 20 or 30 or 50 years.'