LIZ JONES MOANS: Spas Zen-like? No, this one left my nerves in tatters!

LIZ JONES MOANSSpas Zen-like No, this one left my nerves in tatters!

Funny, outrageous and downright rude. Who's in Liz Jones' firing line this week

Stressed out: Liz Jones has already been driven mad this year by telephone communication (posed by model)

Stressed out: Liz Jones has already been driven mad this year by telephone communication (posed by model)

My most important New Year’s resolution, if only to preserve my sanity To stop having pointless arguments with robots on the phone. And to save money.

Thus, on January 3, I phone the Urban Retreat Spa atop Harrods having Googled the number rather than dialling 118 118. I take a deep breath. I am calm.

‘Good morning. I would like to change an appointment.’

‘Oh yes. How can I help’

‘Well. My name is J-o-n-e-s, telephone number ending 944. I have two blocks of appointments. The first starts at midday on the 9th, the second at 10am on the 10th.

‘I’d like to move the hair appointment to the 9th, perhaps tacked onto the end after the everlasting gel pedicure. I don’t mind, really, I just need to be out of there at midday on the 10th.’

Is your telephone number 07xxx xxx944’

‘Yes. I said it ended in 944 and my name is Jones, to save time, rather than reading out the whole number. But no matter. Carry on.’

‘I’ll just put you through to someone who can help.’

Ah. I thought she said she could help. No matter. Calm.

Another woman picks up the phone.

‘Urban Retreat. How can I help you’

‘Um. Did the previous woman not hand over to you, telling you my details’

‘No, I’ve just picked up the phone. Who did you speak to’

‘Well, I didn’t take her name because the conversation seemed to be going so well. I spent about half an hour explaining what I wanted to do…’

‘Do you want to explain it to me’

‘Not really. What is the point of that. Why didn’t she stop me mid-flow And why didn’t you apologise for a colleague not handing over to you properly’

‘I don’t have to say sorry for anything. That wasn’t me.’

‘But you both work for the same organisation. I am a valued customer.’

‘OK, do you want to tell me what you want to do’

I tell her. This is, after all, the New Me.

‘Let me just call it up on the computer. What is your telephone number’

About four years later, she comes back. ‘Was it the hair you want to move back a day’

‘Yes! Did you not jot down my needs using a pencil and pad’

‘No, I have to type it into the computer.’

‘You are supposed to be a spa but you are making me stressed!!!!!’

Resolution Number One out the window.

Young fashionista: Elle Fanning

Young fashionista: Elle Fanning


This is actress and singer Elle Fanning, on the cover of Teen Vogue:

‘Even before there’s a premiere, I’ll know my favourite dress from one of the collections,’ she says.

Her usual picks include Valentino and Rodarte, but she’s also very excited about Louis Vuitton’s spring collection.

‘Oh my gosh!’ she shrieks. ‘They looked like little cupcakes and pastel pastries — so pretty!’

She is 13 years old!


Time to spare Marc Jacobs

Time to spare Marc Jacobs

My award for most over-photographed, most hyped, most worn by fashion editors item The Miu Miu glitter Mary Janes.

Most yawn-making trend on the runway was sportswear — who really wants to go out wearing a shapeless mesh tank

Most over-priced, under-designed and under-edited collection Mary at House of Fraser.

And most over-used moan Designers telling us they are exhausted from producing up to 12 collections a year! Poor over-exfoliated souls!

And why, then, does Marc Jacobs (pictured right on a New Year vacation he spent with his ex-fiance), have a body that must take up to four hours a day to hone