JAN MOIR: Sorry, sisters, there"s nothing liberating about mummy porn


JAN MOIR: Sorry, sisters, there's nothing liberating about mummy porn

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UPDATED:

01:06 GMT, 22 June 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey has become the fastest selling novel of all time, but Jan Moir is not impressed

Fifty Shades of Grey has become the fastest selling novel of all time, but Jan Moir is not impressed

The mummy porn sensation Fifty Shades Of Grey has become the fastest-selling novel of all time.

Beating even Harry Potter at the height of his magic powers, it is a phenomenon around the world, the summer blockbuster of 2012, the ubiquitous beach read. It is one of those rare books that even people who don’t read books will read. Tamara Ecclestone tweeted that she was in bed reading Fifty Shades with a cup of tea, which says it all.

Still, it is incredible. I mean the sales volume, not the book itself, which is a bit like The Bondage Adventures Of Bridget Jones, as imagined by a teenage Jilly Cooper before she discovered the calming effects of ponies and gin.

The novel’s heroine is a shapely American student called Anastasia Steele, whose spoken response to any given situation, life- changing or otherwise, is a very unliterary ‘Holy s***.’

There are moments when Anastasia makes Adrian Mole seem like Aristotle, but the clunking prose doesn’t bother the millions of fans who lap up the adventures of this modern-day Cinderella.

‘Mr Grey will see you know, Miss Steele. Do go through,’ says a secretary, in an early scene. Anastasia promptly falls headlong into his office.

‘Double c**p — me and my two left feet,’ she thinks.

Mr Grey extends a ‘long-fingered hand’ to pick her up. He’s got grey eyes, sometimes even ‘scorching’ grey eyes, a grey suit and a grey stare. He is Mr Grey, gottit He is a handsome billionaire — aren’t they all — with ‘expensive and absorbing hobbies’ and a voice which is ‘warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel’.

Well. We all know where this is headed, don’t we And no, Mr Whippy is not planning on taking her down to the ice cream parlour any time soon.

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Tamara Ecclestone, pictured, tweeted that she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey in bed with a cup of tea

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Poor
Kim Kardashian. All she has ever done is diet, wear make-up and buy her
boyfriend Kanye West a Lamborghini. Now she is being held up as the
scourge of the Western world. Not fair! Dr Helen Wright, the head of an
exclusive girls’ boarding school in Wiltshire, has singled out the
reality show star as the world’s worst role model.

The teacher despairs that millions
of youngsters aspire to nothing more than to be like the pouting beauty,
and I take her point. Why do young women so admire Kimmy She has never
done or said anything of interest; she merely wanders around looking
like a velveteen blow-up sex-doll who has mislaid her front door keys. I
suppose it’s a living, but still. The teacher also accused Kim, right,
of making her fortune from ‘meanness, scandal and boundary-less living’.
That sounds a bit more interesting, even if Kim’s only knowledge of a
boundary is that bit on her face where her blusher stops and her
highlighter begins.

Kardashian-worship is almost as
depressing as Cheryl-adoration. The greedy, talent-free Geordie midget
was back in Newcastle this week, appearing in front of thousands of her
home-town fans. No, not performing. Don’t be silly. Cheryl was
autographing copies of her new album for the crazed kids to buy. What
is the secret of Kim’s and Cheryl’s success Is the terrible truth that
millions of little girls like them just because they are pretty

Oh dear, oh dear. Dr Wright is right. Role models really are getting ropier.

This mob makes Jimmy Carr look like a saint

I am utterly disgusted at the way the victims of the Farepak scandal have been treated and continue to be treated.

Some bankers make people like comedian Jimmy Carr look like philanthropists

Some bankers make people like comedian Jimmy Carr look like philanthropists

Back in 2006, more than 150,000 customers had saved up, paying regular instalments into a scheme to provide a Christmas hamper for their family. Many were elderly, most were low-waged. When the Farepak firm famously collapsed, they were left on average 400 out of pocket and offered just 15p in the pound by way of recompense. Victims of the Farepak scandal have never been given a fair deal. Now embarrassing emails from senior bankers at HBOS, which is now owned by Lloyds Banking Group, showed they referred to the cash from Farepak’s vulnerable customers as ‘Doris money’.

HBOS turned down the option of placing the money in a trust, which meant that when the firm collapsed into administration, the cash was used towards repaying the bank’s 31million loan rather than refunded to those who’d scrimped and saved in the hope of giving their families a happy Christmas.

Once again, it shows the contempt that bankers have for ordinary people. They may have disparaged it as ‘Doris money’ — how contemptible — but they were quick enough to take it when they needed it. They make tax-dodgers like Jimmy Carr look like philanthropists. When is their turn in the dock going to come Not quickly enough.

Has Ascot turned into Cell Block H
There is a whiff of Cell Block H about some fashion trends for Jan Moir

Cheltenham Ladies’ College has issued skirt length guidelines. Royal Ascot has issued a new dress code for the Royal Enclosure. It seems incredible that any of this is necessary, but we all know the reality. Give a girl an inch and she’ll be chopping it off her hem before you can say crop-top.

From High Street to school dance to race course, porn star chic is increasingly popular, as is the attitude that dressing up for an occasion actually means dressing down and wearing as little as possible.

I am all for decorum, but hasn’t Ascot gone a little insane this year Women guards patrolling the paddocks on the look-out for bare shoulders and spaghetti straps Confiscating fascinators and handing out woollen wraps to flesh-baring offenders There is a whiff of Prisoner Cell Block H about it.

And, of course, like anything else in British public life, the new Ascot strictures are all about class, not dress. They won’t rest until everyone looks like the Duchess of Cambridge. However, you can give a girl a pashmina and a talking-to, but it won’t rub off her tattoos or make her fashion trash-ion choices look classy.

I’m more offended by cheap pashminas than any tattoo, such as those on Ascot racegoer Joanna Southgate, right. These scarves are hideous things which make women look like cat baskets. So my advice is crash the pash and get the tatts out for the lads. You might never marry a prince or be invited back, but at least you won’t look like a pastel receptacle for kittens.

Where's Zara's groom
Zara Phillips of Team GB poses for a portrait at the University of Greenwich in her Olympic colours

What on earth does Zara the Chav look like in her Olympic kit I hate to say it, but without the professional ministrations of the grooming teams usually supplied by her commercial sponsors, she looks like a right mess. Like a Kwik Fit fitter on a tea break. Five sugars, please, luv.