'I want her to know how much her mommy loves her': Mother with terminal cancer on her fear of leaving five-year-old daughter
20:42 GMT, 11 October 2012
A mother with terminal breast cancer, who has been given three months to live, has written of her fears of leaving her five-year-old daughter behind.
Meredith Israel Thomas, 39, from New Jersey, says that she will keep a blog going until the very end, so Niomi, aged five, will know 'how much her mommy loves her'.
The former publicist writes in a recent post that before she leaves, she wants to get the youngster on skis, running down the beach, apple picking and taking in as much healthy air as possible.
Family matters: Meredith Israel Thomas (pictured with her husband Gary and daughter Niomi) was told last week that she only has a few months to live after battling breast cancer for three years
She,explains: 'This blog is the really story [sic] for Niomi. I can’t remember everything, but with this, she will know everything… People will tell her the stories about how much her mommy loves
Mrs Israel Thomas was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer on June 26, 2009, one day after her 36th birthday.
'The thought of not being there for her as she grows up into a young girl, teenager, young adult and a lady breaks my heart into pieces'
And last Tuesday, after returning from a holiday in Cape Town, South Africa, doctors at the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York told her the cancer had won and she has weeks to three months to live.
However she describes that it is not the thought of death that scares her, but the fear of leaving her daughter behind without a mother.
She wrote in the Huffington Post earlier this year: 'I will never get over my fears of not being there for Niomi… The thought of not being there for her as she grows up into a young girl, teenager, young adult and a lady breaks my heart into pieces.
'Who is going to talk to her about her first crush, her period, buying her first bra, her first dance, how to avoid mean girls and catty girl fights, and teach her about boys and makeup'
Doting mother: Mrs Israel Thomas hopes her blog will allow her daughter Niomi 'to know everything'
Mrs Israel Thomas has also been using the blog to keep track of her feelings and emotions as her condition deteriorates.
Tiredness, sickness and hair loss are just some of the symptoms she touches on. Her abdomen has also swelled as a result of liver failure.
'It looks like I am carrying a baby again. My belly button is almost popped,' she writes.
'Gary and I, we took Niomi upstairs to tell her the truth. It was
time and we could tell she knew something was up'
In her most recent post, she reveals that she and her husband Gary finally sat their five-year-old daughter down and explained the situation.
Up until now Mrs Israel Thomas has tried to hide the effects of her illness, but she says Niomi has become increasingly 'confused by everything, the whispering, why I will be bald again, etc.'
Disclosing how she approached the situation, she wrote: 'Gary and I, we took Niomi upstairs to tell her the truth. It was
time and we could tell she knew something was up.
'I will only say that
it was the hardest most painful conversations that Gary and I will ever
have to endure. Our hearts were and are broken.
'It’s too personal to write about that conversation but we
will do everything in our power to protect our daughter and do whatever
makes sense as we enter this final chapter.'
Putting on a brave face: Up until now Mrs Israel Thomas has tried to hide the effects of her illness
Final wishes: Mrs Israel Thomas says that before she leaves, she wants to get her daughter on skis, running down the beach, apple picking and taking in as much healthy air as possible
Mrs Israel Thomas has a meeting planned with a child's psychologist, who works with children whose parents are dying, and she is also helping her husband prepare for being a single parent.
The mother-of-one was 25 when she found her first lump through a self exam, although biopsies found it was benign.
However two weeks before her 36th birthday she describes that 'everything changed'.
'Can you believe I won’t know the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy… Hopefully they
know these things in Heaven'
On June 15, 2009, doctors confirmed that she had stage 2 breast cancer, then on June 26 she received the news that tumors had spread to her liver,
lymph nodes, spine, ribs and other bones.
She said; 'I had a 20-month-old
daughter and thought life was over. There was no need for a mastectomy
as it spread so quickly and I would never go into remission.
had lots of tears and my heart broke for Gary, Niomi and my family.
F*** OFF MAN UPSTAIRS! I don't ask for much but give me some kind of
But while her blog is heartbreaking to read, the humour cannot be ignored.
Mrs Israel Thomas adds: 'Can you believe I won’t know the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy,
Private Practice and Parenthood UGH. Now that sucks. Hopefully they
know these things in Heaven.'
Visit Meredith Israel Thomas' blog at: www.caringbridge.org