From silencing tweeting birds to rushed 'flounder' deliveries: Real estate agents reveal astonishing demands of Hamptons jet set in new tell-all book
21:52 GMT, 14 June 2012
Two anonymous property brokers have given a rare and comical account of the Hamptons real estate world in a new tell-all book.
Recounting their experiences of impossible buyers and demanding renters, The Hamptons Real Estate Horror Show
lifts the lid on the challenges of satisfying the every whim of the wealthy elite.
And it comes in the wake of handyman Joe Schwenk's sarcastic Twitter feed @HamptonBorn that has already set the scene with scathing observations about high maintenance 'Citiots' from New York.
Paradise Not according to the book, The Hamptons Real Estate Horror Show, that sheds light on demands of the super-rich
Penned by 'Anonymous Times Two', the
book recalls conversations between broker and client that have occurred
since the area transformed from peaceful seaside neighbourhood to
portfolio property playground of the rich and famous.
The Hamptons of the 1990s onwards – which consist of Amagansett, East Hampton, Wainscott, Sagaponack, Bridgehampton, Water Mill and Southampton – are characterised in one of the many short stories.
They write: '”Someone just gave me the finger,” a colleague says, getting out of her car. “This must mean the season has officially started.”'
A self-published tome, the tales told inside are a combination of laugh-out-loud funny quotes and witty recollections of the people who only 'bought [property] to impress their friends.'
For these people, they explain, tennis courts, media rooms, wine cellars and cigar rooms are of the utmost importance when searching for a house.
Unbelievable demands, arrogance and stubbornness pervade each story as the brokers reveal how one client called one of them hours after renting a house for Memorial Day weekend demanding: '”You must come here immediately!”
A page-turner: The brokers wish the area could return to its peaceful pre-1990s glory
When the renter refused to say why, despite the fact it was a holiday weekend, 'Anonymous One' reluctantly sat in an hour of traffic to get to the property.
Upon arrival at the house the woman thrust a towel forward and said: '”Feel this towel. I want you to feel the quality of this towel. Would you dry your face on this”'
Imperious clients are just the tip of the iceberg, though, according to the business partners. Another conversation recalled a bizarre request from a home-owner.
'”Hi, I'm calling from the real-estate agency to see if you have rented your house yet for August,”' the broker had said
'”No, I haven't. Your office is in the village, right
'”Yes, it is. Why
'”Would you do me a favor Would you go to Citarella and get me a half-pound of flounder”'
Other amusing anecdotes recall women who have insisted on a Viking Range kitchen when they don't even cook and a man who called because birds had awoken his wife at five-thirty in the morning.
'”Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, but what would you like me to do”' The broker had replied.
'”Have them eliminated!”'
Though the stories may entertain readers, it seems the authors would be happier if, post-recession, the area returned to its former glory when writers, families and poets populated its coast.
'Who knows, maybe a house can once again be just a nice place to come to, and this, a nice place to live,' they conclude.
HAMPTONS REAL ESTATE HORROR STORIES
'My wife was awakened at five-thirty this morning by the birds!'
'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, but what would you like me to do
'Have them eliminated!'
Keeping up appearances
'This is a very nice house,' she says
' thought you’d like it,' I agree.
'Let’s see the kitchen,' she says
'Come with me,' I reply. 'It's over here.
'No Viking Range Forget it!' she shouts
'But honey, you don't cook,' he reasons.
Ice ice baby
'The freezing compartment in this refrigerator is not working! The ice cream isn't hard enough! What am I supposed to do You tell the landlord I won’t stand for this!'
'I’ll get someone over to fix it tomorrow. Today is Sunday, and I won't be able to reach the repairman. Meanwhile, though, right next to the laundry room is the door to the garage. There's an extra freeze in there.'
'Are you kidding You expect me to walk all the way to the