Can first date sex EVER lead to long-lasting love? MailOnline"s new sex columnist Tracey Cox gives her expert view

Can first date sex EVER lead to long-lasting love MailOnline's new sex columnist Tracey Cox gives her expert view



17:50 GMT, 17 October 2012

The UK's leading sexpert Tracey Cox today launches her new blog on MailOnline where she will be bringing you the latest news as well as offering advice and answering your questions.

Tracey has an academic background in psychology, has written 14 books on sex, relationships and body language and has hosted many TV shows on these topics across her career to date.

Here we bring you Tracey's first post – and invite you to join the conversation at
Feel free to leave your comments and post any question that you would
like Tracey to answer, or topic you would like her to broach. To ask Tracey something confidentially that she can answer in a forthcoming post, you can contact her via her website at

Sexpert: Tracey Cox's new blog launches on MailOnline today

Sexpert: Tracey Cox's new blog launches on MailOnline today


Good news for anyone who’s ever opened their eyes to find themselves lying next to someone they met the night before: turns out you haven’t necessarily blown your chances of long-term love by sleeping with someone on the first night.

A new American study of 640 adults in Chicago has unearthed a rather surprising result: couples who slept together on the first night were just as likely to end up happy long-term as couples who put off doing the deed until they became more serious.

Good news for all the not-so-good girls who spend the next day’s ‘walk of shame’ paranoid and panicking that the guy won’t call because he got what he wanted.

Sometimes, you meet someone and it feels so right and so natural, sex just happens. We’re all adults, right Isn’t it a bit old-school and anti-feminist to wait for sex

In some ways yes. But I’d still advise postponing it, at least for a little while, simply because once you sleep with someone, there’s no excuse for not doing it again. You’re instantly thrust into a far more intimate space than you were.

Ideally, we’d all date each other (minus sex) until both are reasonably sure you’re compatible, want the same thing out of the relationship and, most importantly, think you might make each other happy. This requires logical thinking and objectivity.

Good sex rather effectively robs us of both instantly. It’s extremely difficult to look at your new partner sensibly and objectively while their tongue is working its way up your thigh.

Psychologists call this ‘lust blindness’. You get so involved with your partner’s body, you forget to look closely at the person inside it. It’s how people end up emotionally involved with people they later find out are bad for them – the ‘I don’t like him but I’m in love with him’ feeling. No one falls in love with a nasty piece of work when they’re thinking straight.

But if you put your brain on hold and get involved with their body, you can stumble out of that glorious, lust-infused haze, rub your eyes and find you’ve made all sorts of promises and commitments to someone who wasn’t worth getting intimate with in the first place.

Reading this on your phone and the horse has already bolted Another key finding of the study published in the Journal of Social Science Research was that for love to blossom from first-night sex, both people had to be open to the idea of a committed relationship.

So instead of plotting a hasty embarrassed exit, you’re actually better off staying put and snuggling up.

Let them know you want more and you might just find your one-night-stand turns into a long, lovely relationship.


The ‘seven year itch’ is a myth. It’s the title of a movie that had a fictional book in it, by a fictional author, who claimed men have affairs after seven years of marriage. There never has been any evidence to support it.


QUICK FIX: Can I make myself fancy him

My partner of two years is an attractive, kind, funny man who adores
me. Everyone’s always telling me how lucky I am to have him but the
reality is I don’t fancy him and don’t think I ever did! I love him
desperately though and really want it to work. Is there a way to make
yourself fancy someone I fancy other men, so I do have a libido.

Make believe: Pretend, says Tracey, and the lustful feelings will develop in time

Make believe: Pretend, says Tracey, and the lustful feelings will develop in time

Love ‘purists’ will tell you if the sexual spark isn’t there at the
start, it’s not possible to manufacture it. In a sense, I agree. But
you’re not asking me to create chemistry, you’re asking me if it’s
possible to make yourself fancy someone you love and the answer is yes.

is a decision. Even if you had fancied your partner at the start, it
tends to disappears over time. The trick to long-term lust is to turn
yourself on, rather than expect your partner to do it for you.

have a healthy libido, tap into it and build it by reading some erotic
books (God knows there are enough of them out there now, thanks to the
Fifty Shades effect!). Use them to create a little ‘library’ of
fantasies that turn you on, then replay them in your head while you’re
with your partner.

Also teach him the techniques that work for you. If
you close your eyes and fantasise as he’s doing the things you like, sex
can be satisfying. Once you’ve had a few sessions that work this way,
your brain and body will start to link your partner with good sex. The
two will fuse – and you’ll start to fancy him.

This sounds
manipulative but it’s what couples with healthy sex drives do
instinctively over time. It’s not easy to make love to the same person
and enjoy it for the rest of your life, despite society telling us this
is how it should be!

Contact Tracey via her website,, tweet her at @TraceyCox or follow her on

Find out more about Tracey Cox, her books or products at

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